About two years ago, I read Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw. What precipitated my reading that was that my mind repeatedly revisited past events of which I am ashamed.
One of the things Bradshaw encourages is to ferret out the sources of toxic shame in one's life.
I was raised to feel ashamed of myself. My parents were ashamed of me, as were my siblings.
Perhaps the acquaintances around me were trained by me to treat me as they were ashamed of me.
My most recent partner treated me as though he is ashamed of me. He admits to being constantly afraid of me, as if it is my fault. Perhaps some of the blame is mine. I don't know.
Since it has been two years since I read this volume, I probably need to read it again, to refresh my mind.
I am tired of being ashamed most all the time.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
One of those Proust moods . . .
Today I am in one of those Proust moods, thinking of recollections of times past. At least I think it is Proust. I could be wrong. It wouldn't be the first time.
My free association of things past led me to recall some 25 years ago, meeting the wonderful Marva Collins, the Chicago teacher of renown, who never gave up on her kids when she taught them, and because she did believe in them, she got them to achieve many good things.
Fresh in my mind are all the occurances in spending a little time with her. Her groupies were clamoring onto her, and she was polite, yet well as a little dismissive of their attentions. I guess that she was not fond of adulation. Not being a groupie, she actually gravitated to me at the conference for gifted education. And at the time Marva and I were fellow smokers, so she wanted a cigarette in the worst way, but she had somehow run out of smokes. So there we were, sharing a common ashtray smoking cigarettes out of my pack, solving all the world's problems in the classroom together. It was wonderful that she spoke to me as an equal and a peer. She even invited me to apply to teach in her school in Chicago. I was flattered, but knowing her dislike of fawning appreciation, I played it pretty cool. One thing I do recall was that I had a modicum of discouragement in how I was doing in the classroom, and I remember that her optimism was indefatigable, saying that every problem has a solution, if we seek for it. She showed me how to not to accept defeat.
It was a very good time in my past.
I share this, because in my life I have ruminated endlessly over things I had done wrong, wallowing in shame that has become toxic. It is pretty refreshing that I can think back on things that are pleasant and restorative to recall.
My free association of things past led me to recall some 25 years ago, meeting the wonderful Marva Collins, the Chicago teacher of renown, who never gave up on her kids when she taught them, and because she did believe in them, she got them to achieve many good things.
Fresh in my mind are all the occurances in spending a little time with her. Her groupies were clamoring onto her, and she was polite, yet well as a little dismissive of their attentions. I guess that she was not fond of adulation. Not being a groupie, she actually gravitated to me at the conference for gifted education. And at the time Marva and I were fellow smokers, so she wanted a cigarette in the worst way, but she had somehow run out of smokes. So there we were, sharing a common ashtray smoking cigarettes out of my pack, solving all the world's problems in the classroom together. It was wonderful that she spoke to me as an equal and a peer. She even invited me to apply to teach in her school in Chicago. I was flattered, but knowing her dislike of fawning appreciation, I played it pretty cool. One thing I do recall was that I had a modicum of discouragement in how I was doing in the classroom, and I remember that her optimism was indefatigable, saying that every problem has a solution, if we seek for it. She showed me how to not to accept defeat.
It was a very good time in my past.
I share this, because in my life I have ruminated endlessly over things I had done wrong, wallowing in shame that has become toxic. It is pretty refreshing that I can think back on things that are pleasant and restorative to recall.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Autobike Rehab
I discovered that the reason that the crank on the Autobike was going "Skronk, Skronk" was because the nut holding the crank on was coming loose. I was on the Cedar River Trail on Monday, and the crank just came off. Before it fell to the ground, I pushed it back on with the ball of my foot, and limped back to the car, when I had tools. I got out the handy-dandy 9/16 socket and screwed the retaining nut back on, and voila! the "Skronk, Skronk" is less. Maybe Autobike and I will not part ways so soon, after all.
On the Cedar River Trail, there has been some construction. I usually start my ride from Ron Regis Park in Renton. I had hoped to head upstream toward Maple Valley, but once last week, there was a humongous dump truck coming down this 10 foot wide trail at me. I thought, gee, maybe I should just turn around. So I did.
Thus I ended up riding the Renton portion of the trail toward downtown. It is actually quite scenic in the forest part of the trail, so along with some exercise, it is also very restful for the soul.
On the Cedar River Trail, there has been some construction. I usually start my ride from Ron Regis Park in Renton. I had hoped to head upstream toward Maple Valley, but once last week, there was a humongous dump truck coming down this 10 foot wide trail at me. I thought, gee, maybe I should just turn around. So I did.
Thus I ended up riding the Renton portion of the trail toward downtown. It is actually quite scenic in the forest part of the trail, so along with some exercise, it is also very restful for the soul.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Pet Peeve
I am Chinese. Southern Chinese specifically. Cooking rice should be second nature for us.
My father has developed a very bad habit of ruining cooked rice. I just don't understand how he does it. Well I do understand how he ruins the rice: he puts too much water in it as he cooks it. Then he adds more water as it cooks. It turns into a lumpy form of wallpaper paste, and it tastes just about the same. I guess what I don't understand is WHY he adds too much water to the rice. The result looks a lot like rice congee (porridge).
The qualities of well-prepared rice: individual grains, tender, but firm, with a delicate fragrance and flavor. When cooked with too much water, the grains all turn to mush, and the fragrance and flavor is gone.
I finally put my foot down. If the rice is going to be that disgusting, I am refusing to eat it. Bleah!
My father has developed a very bad habit of ruining cooked rice. I just don't understand how he does it. Well I do understand how he ruins the rice: he puts too much water in it as he cooks it. Then he adds more water as it cooks. It turns into a lumpy form of wallpaper paste, and it tastes just about the same. I guess what I don't understand is WHY he adds too much water to the rice. The result looks a lot like rice congee (porridge).
The qualities of well-prepared rice: individual grains, tender, but firm, with a delicate fragrance and flavor. When cooked with too much water, the grains all turn to mush, and the fragrance and flavor is gone.
I finally put my foot down. If the rice is going to be that disgusting, I am refusing to eat it. Bleah!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
At Ocean Shores with El
I forgot to mention that I had a very lovely day with my buddy, El, last Friday.
She wanted a "Grandma's Day" with her granddaughter, with the granddaughter's buddy. She decided to ask me along for conversation, and perhaps relief for the driving.
Departure was at about 9 am on Friday, when El picked me up at the house. We had a really nice drive down, and even though the weather was predicted to be foggy and cool, the sky cleared just after we passed the Black Hills, west of Olympia. The rest of the day was sunny, but cool.
The kids went on a horseback ride early on in the day. El and I visited for awhile.
Then after the kids returned, we all had a nice lunch, where El prepared us all sandwiches, cookies, and berries. She described her doing that as being "grandmotherly." I chimed in "Oh wouldn't it be grandmotherly!" a parody of "Wouldn't it be loverly" from My Fair Lady.
We chilled out on the beach (literally) as the temperature seemed to drop. I suggested that we go for warm drinks, as the granddaughter's buddy looked like she was getting very cold. I treated everyone to drinks: coffee drinks for El and me, and Italian sodas for the girls.
Then after that we did a little shopping in the strip malls. I looked for saltwater taffy, but then realized, "Duh! I am diabetic." So I passed on that one. Seeing many marvelous windchimes in the stores, I discovered that El likes windchimes as much as I do.
Subsequent to our commercial investigations, we all headed out back to the beach, so that all of us could ride the horses. We found a really nice "ranch" that had great horses for a very reasonable price. El treated me to a ride.
As El and I were preparing the paperwork for riding, the owner said, "Why don't you have your husband do some of the paperwork too?"
Glancing at each other over our clipboards, El and I just chuckled at this. FYI, El is a lesbian, and I am a queer boy. After a couple minutes, I gently corrected the owner, disclosing only that El and I are merely good friends, and that I was not actually her husband. When El and I were back in the car, we had a good laugh about this incident.
While riding, I was discovering that there were muscles in my lower back and abdomen, along with the unknown muscles in my hips and thighs. I was sore for a couple days after that. Who'd a thunk it? Since this was only the second time I had been astride a horse, I also discovered that boy-parts really didn't have anywhere to go except underneath when riding in the saddle. Squish. But it was a lot of fun, nonetheless.
Right after the ride, we packed up in the car, and headed back toward home. We stopped for take out at the Grizzly's Den in Hoquiam, where El treated us all for dinner, and then we noshed in the car. BTW, the fries were excellent.
Our first stop back was when we took the girls to their parent's. Then El and I had a lengthy conversation, solving most of the problems of the world on the way to my house. She dropped me off, and off she went.
I am grateful that El chose me to include on her "Grandma's Day" as it was so much fun. Thanks, El.
She wanted a "Grandma's Day" with her granddaughter, with the granddaughter's buddy. She decided to ask me along for conversation, and perhaps relief for the driving.
Departure was at about 9 am on Friday, when El picked me up at the house. We had a really nice drive down, and even though the weather was predicted to be foggy and cool, the sky cleared just after we passed the Black Hills, west of Olympia. The rest of the day was sunny, but cool.
The kids went on a horseback ride early on in the day. El and I visited for awhile.
Then after the kids returned, we all had a nice lunch, where El prepared us all sandwiches, cookies, and berries. She described her doing that as being "grandmotherly." I chimed in "Oh wouldn't it be grandmotherly!" a parody of "Wouldn't it be loverly" from My Fair Lady.
We chilled out on the beach (literally) as the temperature seemed to drop. I suggested that we go for warm drinks, as the granddaughter's buddy looked like she was getting very cold. I treated everyone to drinks: coffee drinks for El and me, and Italian sodas for the girls.
Then after that we did a little shopping in the strip malls. I looked for saltwater taffy, but then realized, "Duh! I am diabetic." So I passed on that one. Seeing many marvelous windchimes in the stores, I discovered that El likes windchimes as much as I do.
Subsequent to our commercial investigations, we all headed out back to the beach, so that all of us could ride the horses. We found a really nice "ranch" that had great horses for a very reasonable price. El treated me to a ride.
As El and I were preparing the paperwork for riding, the owner said, "Why don't you have your husband do some of the paperwork too?"
Glancing at each other over our clipboards, El and I just chuckled at this. FYI, El is a lesbian, and I am a queer boy. After a couple minutes, I gently corrected the owner, disclosing only that El and I are merely good friends, and that I was not actually her husband. When El and I were back in the car, we had a good laugh about this incident.
While riding, I was discovering that there were muscles in my lower back and abdomen, along with the unknown muscles in my hips and thighs. I was sore for a couple days after that. Who'd a thunk it? Since this was only the second time I had been astride a horse, I also discovered that boy-parts really didn't have anywhere to go except underneath when riding in the saddle. Squish. But it was a lot of fun, nonetheless.
Right after the ride, we packed up in the car, and headed back toward home. We stopped for take out at the Grizzly's Den in Hoquiam, where El treated us all for dinner, and then we noshed in the car. BTW, the fries were excellent.
Our first stop back was when we took the girls to their parent's. Then El and I had a lengthy conversation, solving most of the problems of the world on the way to my house. She dropped me off, and off she went.
I am grateful that El chose me to include on her "Grandma's Day" as it was so much fun. Thanks, El.
Thou Desireth Truth . . .
Recently I have read Losing My Religion, by William Lobdell.
His story is a lot like mine. He and I were evangelical Christians. He and I faced a crisis of faith.
When all is said and done, he became an atheist, because he lacked the faith to believe in a personalized deity.
He and I diverge on that point, as I have always had some kernel of faith in my heart, even as a small child. As Christianity was the faith tradition that was available, I embraced that one for the time.
But subsequent to my crisis of faith, I have come to the conclusion that there is a personal deity in my life, as there always has been. What I have dumped is the Christian theology, rubrics, and infrastructure, along with dumping the guilt and manipulation.
I see no reason to have a blood sacrifice to have access to the deity. The deity has always been intimate with me, even before I acceded to evangelicalism.
And, as Jesus said, "you will know them by their fruits," I have looked at the raison d'etre of the leaders and participants of church infrastructure, and it appears that the primary function of that infrastructure is to maintain power by subjugating and brainwashing the adherents and sucking them dry of their donations, as power is money. And the evidence is clear that in the church infrastructure a believer's relationship with the deity is conditional, predicated upon the approval of the church leadership, and that violates big portions of what they hold as scripture. It appears that all churches have their own form of "indulgences" except they do not call them that.
I have come to an "agnosis" where the deity who will not be named will be just that. That deity is personal to me, and loving. And her/his grace to me is given unconditionally, i.e., requiring no rubrics and genuflecting on my part to gain access to the deity.
That's how I see things for this moment. Whether I transform to another POV, only time will tell.
His story is a lot like mine. He and I were evangelical Christians. He and I faced a crisis of faith.
When all is said and done, he became an atheist, because he lacked the faith to believe in a personalized deity.
He and I diverge on that point, as I have always had some kernel of faith in my heart, even as a small child. As Christianity was the faith tradition that was available, I embraced that one for the time.
But subsequent to my crisis of faith, I have come to the conclusion that there is a personal deity in my life, as there always has been. What I have dumped is the Christian theology, rubrics, and infrastructure, along with dumping the guilt and manipulation.
I see no reason to have a blood sacrifice to have access to the deity. The deity has always been intimate with me, even before I acceded to evangelicalism.
And, as Jesus said, "you will know them by their fruits," I have looked at the raison d'etre of the leaders and participants of church infrastructure, and it appears that the primary function of that infrastructure is to maintain power by subjugating and brainwashing the adherents and sucking them dry of their donations, as power is money. And the evidence is clear that in the church infrastructure a believer's relationship with the deity is conditional, predicated upon the approval of the church leadership, and that violates big portions of what they hold as scripture. It appears that all churches have their own form of "indulgences" except they do not call them that.
I have come to an "agnosis" where the deity who will not be named will be just that. That deity is personal to me, and loving. And her/his grace to me is given unconditionally, i.e., requiring no rubrics and genuflecting on my part to gain access to the deity.
That's how I see things for this moment. Whether I transform to another POV, only time will tell.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Farewell, Autobike
Well, I was on the trail today and I have been hearing the crank go, "skronk, skronk . . ."
I took it to a bike mechanic and he said that the Autobike is terminal. The cranks are getting loose on the spindle, and there is just no way to fix it. Sad. I actually liked the Autobike.
Today, I went to my fave pawn shop and picked up a Murray mountain bike/tank. I must have a thing for heavy bicycles. The rubber is shot on it, so I got him down 30% on the price. That much just might cover the new tires and tubes I will need to get to put on. Oh well.
I will just have to get used to shifting the derailleur again.
I took it to a bike mechanic and he said that the Autobike is terminal. The cranks are getting loose on the spindle, and there is just no way to fix it. Sad. I actually liked the Autobike.
Today, I went to my fave pawn shop and picked up a Murray mountain bike/tank. I must have a thing for heavy bicycles. The rubber is shot on it, so I got him down 30% on the price. That much just might cover the new tires and tubes I will need to get to put on. Oh well.
I will just have to get used to shifting the derailleur again.
Monday, August 16, 2010
In the past two months
Wow, I have really been remiss in posting to the blog here. Much has happened.
Dad had another heart attack last month, and was rushed into the hospital. Of course, we did the CPR until the paramedics arrived. He has a new combination pacemaker/defibrillator, and that should help a lot in keeping him from going into v-fib. I just wish that the docs could figure out how to stop the bleeding into his intestine.
Been riding my bicycle faithfully. I must say after encountering countless inconsiderate groups of pedestrians at Seward Park who like to block the path, I have transitioned over to riding on the Interurban Trail. There are far fewer people there and I can go there and just ride in the tranquility.
Also, got the most recent results of my blood work. My A1C is down to 7.1. Much improved. I do feel better. Like the movie, "What's So Bad About Feeling Good?"
Ex #2 and I are talking a lot lately. The ex sees that I have come a long way in my recovery. I can see evidence that the ex is working on recovery too. Who knows?
I am seeing signs that I have narcissistic personality disorder symptoms. I had been totally unaware that I had them. In truth, I can see a pattern that those behaviors drove a lot of folks away from me, and out of my life. My strategy now is to identify the triggers that put me in those behaviors, and short circuit the onset of those behaviors, hopefully before I launch into them. I also need to develop new alternative strategies for responding to the triggers, so I can have a repertoire of healthy behaviors in response to the triggers.
Yesterday I gave a small lobster dinner for my truck driver buddy. He is a very nice person, and loves to help out around the house and yard here. Dad even likes him. Shock.
Next month I am planning on taking a few days to help ex #2 move the household to the new job location.
I think that covers most of the past two months in a nutshell.
Dad had another heart attack last month, and was rushed into the hospital. Of course, we did the CPR until the paramedics arrived. He has a new combination pacemaker/defibrillator, and that should help a lot in keeping him from going into v-fib. I just wish that the docs could figure out how to stop the bleeding into his intestine.
Been riding my bicycle faithfully. I must say after encountering countless inconsiderate groups of pedestrians at Seward Park who like to block the path, I have transitioned over to riding on the Interurban Trail. There are far fewer people there and I can go there and just ride in the tranquility.
Also, got the most recent results of my blood work. My A1C is down to 7.1. Much improved. I do feel better. Like the movie, "What's So Bad About Feeling Good?"
Ex #2 and I are talking a lot lately. The ex sees that I have come a long way in my recovery. I can see evidence that the ex is working on recovery too. Who knows?
I am seeing signs that I have narcissistic personality disorder symptoms. I had been totally unaware that I had them. In truth, I can see a pattern that those behaviors drove a lot of folks away from me, and out of my life. My strategy now is to identify the triggers that put me in those behaviors, and short circuit the onset of those behaviors, hopefully before I launch into them. I also need to develop new alternative strategies for responding to the triggers, so I can have a repertoire of healthy behaviors in response to the triggers.
Yesterday I gave a small lobster dinner for my truck driver buddy. He is a very nice person, and loves to help out around the house and yard here. Dad even likes him. Shock.
Next month I am planning on taking a few days to help ex #2 move the household to the new job location.
I think that covers most of the past two months in a nutshell.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Forbearing Men
Produced by both: Jill Collymore and Julia Bruk
I hope you enjoy it.
I hope you enjoy it.
FORBEARING MEN (rough cut) from Angry Ostrich Productions on Vimeo.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Catching Up
Wow. It has been quite a while since I had posted.
A lot has happened since April.
First I met a doctor from hell. Right from the minute I saw him he raked me over the coals because of my bad eating, uncontrolled blood sugar, my angina, and my weight. Since that visit, I got a new blood glucose meter, got my blood sugar under control, and I started to exercise (more about that in next paragraph).
Out of storage came the bicycle, I wiped off the dust and other detritus, took an inventory of what needed to be replaced/fixed. I put on new tires, adjusted the brakes, installed a new seat post and saddle. I even purchased me some bicycle apparel (I am the walrus in bike tights!). In Seward Park in Seattle I began my quest to re-master the bicycle, along the shore of Lake Washington. Getting on and off I was a bit tipsy, as well as when I was riding. A couple miles was all I went, and that was it. Since then, I have worked up to 11 miles at a shot, and I can capably get on the bike and ride without being tipsy. I have lost 15 pounds, and and one waist size. And my chest pains are far less frequent. Dang, I am getting healthy.
Thank you, doctor from hell.
Oh, a couple weeks ago, I had a big scare. My dad went into V-fib in the dining room. Barb, the day caregiver and I managed CPR and the 911 call for help until the paramedics arrived. I was so scared; I thought dad was a goner. But with the CPR right away and the paramedics taking over CPR and defibrillating, we got him to the hospital. He pulled through. It has taken a couple weeks, but he is starting to recover pretty well. Whew!
Oh yeah, was in a couple movies. One was the 48 hour film festival, but the production values, i.e., the sound (and writing) were crappy. There are quite a few independent flicks that I have been in that are in dire need of a raison d'etre. This film was one of them.
I was in a flick by a fantastic rising new director. It was named, "Forbearing Men" and the director, Jill Collymore, was so adept at creating beautiful, expressive images. The flick turns out to be the fulfillment of her thesis project for film school. I expect Jill to go far in the business, so I hope I can ride her coattails, just like some folks did on John Waters' coattails.
But with increased responsibilities for taking care of dad and mom now, I think it's unlikely that I will be able to be in anything in the near future. I can hope.
Well, until next entry.
A lot has happened since April.
First I met a doctor from hell. Right from the minute I saw him he raked me over the coals because of my bad eating, uncontrolled blood sugar, my angina, and my weight. Since that visit, I got a new blood glucose meter, got my blood sugar under control, and I started to exercise (more about that in next paragraph).
Out of storage came the bicycle, I wiped off the dust and other detritus, took an inventory of what needed to be replaced/fixed. I put on new tires, adjusted the brakes, installed a new seat post and saddle. I even purchased me some bicycle apparel (I am the walrus in bike tights!). In Seward Park in Seattle I began my quest to re-master the bicycle, along the shore of Lake Washington. Getting on and off I was a bit tipsy, as well as when I was riding. A couple miles was all I went, and that was it. Since then, I have worked up to 11 miles at a shot, and I can capably get on the bike and ride without being tipsy. I have lost 15 pounds, and and one waist size. And my chest pains are far less frequent. Dang, I am getting healthy.
Thank you, doctor from hell.
Oh, a couple weeks ago, I had a big scare. My dad went into V-fib in the dining room. Barb, the day caregiver and I managed CPR and the 911 call for help until the paramedics arrived. I was so scared; I thought dad was a goner. But with the CPR right away and the paramedics taking over CPR and defibrillating, we got him to the hospital. He pulled through. It has taken a couple weeks, but he is starting to recover pretty well. Whew!
Oh yeah, was in a couple movies. One was the 48 hour film festival, but the production values, i.e., the sound (and writing) were crappy. There are quite a few independent flicks that I have been in that are in dire need of a raison d'etre. This film was one of them.
I was in a flick by a fantastic rising new director. It was named, "Forbearing Men" and the director, Jill Collymore, was so adept at creating beautiful, expressive images. The flick turns out to be the fulfillment of her thesis project for film school. I expect Jill to go far in the business, so I hope I can ride her coattails, just like some folks did on John Waters' coattails.
But with increased responsibilities for taking care of dad and mom now, I think it's unlikely that I will be able to be in anything in the near future. I can hope.
Well, until next entry.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Great visit with a new friend
Today I met up with my new friend, El, for a cuppa at the Madison Park Starbucks. I am impressed how intelligent she is, so compassionate, and just a very nice person. She and I took a nice stroll down to the beach at the park, skipped a few stones in the water, and had a nice talk. She shared about her past difficulties, and I admire how she went through hell, and came back up smiling.
The walk seemed like enough exercise, because my hip became numb again just before the end of our walk. It used to hurt when I walked on it. Now it just goes numb. I think I will avail myself of the chiropractor who used live across the street. Maybe he can help that.
However, I did come home and mow the front lawn after supper. It's nice and sunny, even though it is a bit on the cool side. Tomorrow I will mow the back yard of weed patch. I don't quite yet know what I want to do with the lawn area back there. I think first I want to fill in the holes. Then I probably will hit it with moss control and weed and feed. I think I will Round-Up the flower beds. But that can wait until there is a string of nice weather, which seems to be hard to come by here lately.
I have an audition for a voice over on Sunday. I hope that goes well.
The walk seemed like enough exercise, because my hip became numb again just before the end of our walk. It used to hurt when I walked on it. Now it just goes numb. I think I will avail myself of the chiropractor who used live across the street. Maybe he can help that.
However, I did come home and mow the front lawn after supper. It's nice and sunny, even though it is a bit on the cool side. Tomorrow I will mow the back yard of weed patch. I don't quite yet know what I want to do with the lawn area back there. I think first I want to fill in the holes. Then I probably will hit it with moss control and weed and feed. I think I will Round-Up the flower beds. But that can wait until there is a string of nice weather, which seems to be hard to come by here lately.
I have an audition for a voice over on Sunday. I hope that goes well.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Recent Chest Pains
I have noticed that when I eat too much (I know, mea culpa), I have the same response as when I was on the Avandia, and that my heart speeds up, and then I get angina.
This past week, I have been working hard to get my blood sugar under control, and this is helping.
Now, if only the weather would cooperate enough so I could get out and ride my bike. I need the exercise to help me control my blood sugar.
Also I need to wean myself off the nicotine gum, since I am discovering that the nicotine is exacerbating the chest pains.
This past week, I have been working hard to get my blood sugar under control, and this is helping.
Now, if only the weather would cooperate enough so I could get out and ride my bike. I need the exercise to help me control my blood sugar.
Also I need to wean myself off the nicotine gum, since I am discovering that the nicotine is exacerbating the chest pains.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Bad News, Bears
Today was a visit to my primary care physician. He wants me to take a stress echo cardiogram immediately, because I have had acute angina in the past few months. I found out that it costs $2k. I delayed the stress echo cardiogram until a month from now, because I don't know how I will pay for it, and I don't feel right incurring a debt that I cannot pay.
Money v. living. That's a tough question.
How soon do the provisions of the healthcare reform kick in?
Money v. living. That's a tough question.
How soon do the provisions of the healthcare reform kick in?
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
A Nice Week
This is a pretty nice week. Our day caregiver actually is showing up for work, which makes my life a lot nicer, in that I can get out during the day. In the past three weeks, she has been out about half of the time, and I had to cover the slack.
Monday I rode my bicycle around Seward Park twice. I have an Autobike, which is nice, since it takes care of all the shifting gears. The downside is that occasionally the chain just comes off of the front sprocket, and I don't know why. The weather cooperated, and it was lovely riding alongside the shore of Lake Washington for a few miles, with the sun shining, and the fresh morning air whooshing across my face.
Today I went to work on the rental house. I saw that the tenant weeded a lot of the flower bed, and I worked a bit more. I left out the spading fork by the back door for them to make things easier for them. Again, the weather was pleasant, and working in the yard was good to do on a day like this.
I hope the weather cooperates more this week, so I can go riding my bicycle more.
:-)
Monday I rode my bicycle around Seward Park twice. I have an Autobike, which is nice, since it takes care of all the shifting gears. The downside is that occasionally the chain just comes off of the front sprocket, and I don't know why. The weather cooperated, and it was lovely riding alongside the shore of Lake Washington for a few miles, with the sun shining, and the fresh morning air whooshing across my face.
Today I went to work on the rental house. I saw that the tenant weeded a lot of the flower bed, and I worked a bit more. I left out the spading fork by the back door for them to make things easier for them. Again, the weather was pleasant, and working in the yard was good to do on a day like this.
I hope the weather cooperates more this week, so I can go riding my bicycle more.
:-)
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Things Mechanical
Today was a good day. My friend, Ricky-the-truck-driver, came over and he helped me so much when he and I replaced the defective rear brake caliper (I had never looked at the rear brakes, so I never knew I had disk brakes there, lol).
The most wonderful thing was that there was a mechanical problem, and we set out to fix it. It is so reassuring that there is a venue when I can effect positive change that is lasting. There are so many other areas when trying to effect positive change is a futile endeavor, especially with interpersonal relationships.
Cause for rejoicing today. :-)
The most wonderful thing was that there was a mechanical problem, and we set out to fix it. It is so reassuring that there is a venue when I can effect positive change that is lasting. There are so many other areas when trying to effect positive change is a futile endeavor, especially with interpersonal relationships.
Cause for rejoicing today. :-)
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Divorcing Siblings?
Today was one of those days when I wish that I could divorce my siblings. My sister was at her bitchy best, and I gotta say, I am pretty darned sick of her condescending pedantry.
We had another "family fucking dinner" out today with my favorite cousins for dim sum. It should have been a nice time, except my bitchy sister and her bratty daughter were there. I am sick to my teeth when they drop their not-so-subtle personal digs about me into the conversation.
If I had my druthers, I would be long gone. Being in South Africa would be nice.
I have discovered that the secret to my upcoming freedom is saving money. If I can save a few thousand dollars more, then I can get free.
O freedom, over me.
We had another "family fucking dinner" out today with my favorite cousins for dim sum. It should have been a nice time, except my bitchy sister and her bratty daughter were there. I am sick to my teeth when they drop their not-so-subtle personal digs about me into the conversation.
If I had my druthers, I would be long gone. Being in South Africa would be nice.
I have discovered that the secret to my upcoming freedom is saving money. If I can save a few thousand dollars more, then I can get free.
O freedom, over me.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Taking a break
I am taking a break from all of the noise and bother of this world, and I am posting a piece that always gives me repose: Concierto de Aranjuez by Rodrigo. Enjoy.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Healthcare on Facebook
Yesterday I discovered that one of my former students has grown up to be a neo-con. She posted some urban folklore email thing about a welfare mom dripping in gold, and that she was pissed off about it.
I commented on it, saying that I was not allowed to get health insurance because I have a pre-existing condition. Thus the system wants me to die.
I was doing a Gandhi/MLK strategy trying to put a human face of the suffering in front of them. I was baiting them to agree that they think I should die. As far as I got was that they declared that they really didn't give a shit one way or the other.
I let it go. Bigots are highly reluctant to change their points of view, especially when they are speaking from a detached stance.
Buddha bless them and have mercy. They are putting bad vibes into the dharma. Karma will revisit them.
I commented on it, saying that I was not allowed to get health insurance because I have a pre-existing condition. Thus the system wants me to die.
I was doing a Gandhi/MLK strategy trying to put a human face of the suffering in front of them. I was baiting them to agree that they think I should die. As far as I got was that they declared that they really didn't give a shit one way or the other.
I let it go. Bigots are highly reluctant to change their points of view, especially when they are speaking from a detached stance.
Buddha bless them and have mercy. They are putting bad vibes into the dharma. Karma will revisit them.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Dharma & Karma
Dharma/Karma does things in stages in my life. For a couple decades I was continually being beset by the Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Disordered. I learned that Karma does pay back in big ways.
Now that that's done (kainainhora), I am barraged by people who complain about their lives, and are in denial about the causes:
*The acquaintance who is continuing in a relationship with a guy, and then wondering why he mistreats her, and she won't leave him, and she wonders why she feels miserable
*Another acquaintance who has his blinders on, repeatedly complains about how his brother is jacking up the business, and then refuses to cut him loose
*This same acquaintance with blinders who is upset that his "girlfriend" is breaking up with him, even though she has an extremely inflated "resume" refuses to check up if she is telling the truth
This is just a short post, but my response is "Arrrrggghhhh!"
Perhaps the Dharma/Karma is trying to teach me how to better respond to their incessant complaining about problems they themselves are creating. Perhaps the Carl Rodgers approach would be best. However, after a while, I would probably feel guilty about pretending to actually care what they are saying. Maybe I need to learn how to set a boundary, telling them that I really don't want to hear it.
Now I am convinced that I would have made a shitty psychotherapist.
Now that that's done (kainainhora), I am barraged by people who complain about their lives, and are in denial about the causes:
*The acquaintance who is continuing in a relationship with a guy, and then wondering why he mistreats her, and she won't leave him, and she wonders why she feels miserable
*Another acquaintance who has his blinders on, repeatedly complains about how his brother is jacking up the business, and then refuses to cut him loose
*This same acquaintance with blinders who is upset that his "girlfriend" is breaking up with him, even though she has an extremely inflated "resume" refuses to check up if she is telling the truth
This is just a short post, but my response is "Arrrrggghhhh!"
Perhaps the Dharma/Karma is trying to teach me how to better respond to their incessant complaining about problems they themselves are creating. Perhaps the Carl Rodgers approach would be best. However, after a while, I would probably feel guilty about pretending to actually care what they are saying. Maybe I need to learn how to set a boundary, telling them that I really don't want to hear it.
Now I am convinced that I would have made a shitty psychotherapist.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Hypercritical
I have become more and more aware lately that I have been very critical in my life. I have been too critical of myself. I have been too critical of others.
I have analyzed some of the causes of this. A big part of it was being raised with constant criticism. Most everything I did was considered wrong by my family, even when I had not done anything wrong. At that time, a part of me rejected that judgment. Then I guess after a while I just gradually flowed right into that mindset and accepted their judgments of me. I was critical of myself, unmercifully so. I was always critical of others, also unmercifully. I had come to believe that folks were going to hurt me, which is is a distortion of reality by hyperbole.
The net effect is that I tried vainly to function successfully with a distorted take on reality. This hypercritical attitude pushed many out of my life. I was frequently alone and lonely. Thus I was creating conditions of dysphoria in my life. It is sad, when I think of it, that I worked so hard to impoverish my own view of the world.
In the past couple months, I have started looking at life through a different lens. It's looking better. I AM happier. I feel more connected to wonderful people in my life.
I am wondering if this is the beginning of the resolution to my midlife crisis, which started just after I turned forty? And for a long, long time, things were pretty doggoned miserable.
My general outlook is more positive, I am able to perceive positive things in my life and act upon them, and that is gratifying. It sure is lending a greater feeling of contentment, which has been missing for a long time in my life.
Perhaps my midlife crisis was my refusal to make a paradigm shift when I should have, or maybe I made a paradigm shift that was not adaptive when I was forty. Well, I am shifting my paradigm now, and that is what counts.
Now all I need to do is to sort out my health issues. LOL
I have analyzed some of the causes of this. A big part of it was being raised with constant criticism. Most everything I did was considered wrong by my family, even when I had not done anything wrong. At that time, a part of me rejected that judgment. Then I guess after a while I just gradually flowed right into that mindset and accepted their judgments of me. I was critical of myself, unmercifully so. I was always critical of others, also unmercifully. I had come to believe that folks were going to hurt me, which is is a distortion of reality by hyperbole.
The net effect is that I tried vainly to function successfully with a distorted take on reality. This hypercritical attitude pushed many out of my life. I was frequently alone and lonely. Thus I was creating conditions of dysphoria in my life. It is sad, when I think of it, that I worked so hard to impoverish my own view of the world.
In the past couple months, I have started looking at life through a different lens. It's looking better. I AM happier. I feel more connected to wonderful people in my life.
I am wondering if this is the beginning of the resolution to my midlife crisis, which started just after I turned forty? And for a long, long time, things were pretty doggoned miserable.
My general outlook is more positive, I am able to perceive positive things in my life and act upon them, and that is gratifying. It sure is lending a greater feeling of contentment, which has been missing for a long time in my life.
Perhaps my midlife crisis was my refusal to make a paradigm shift when I should have, or maybe I made a paradigm shift that was not adaptive when I was forty. Well, I am shifting my paradigm now, and that is what counts.
Now all I need to do is to sort out my health issues. LOL
Monday, February 1, 2010
It's a new dawn, it's a new month, it's a new life
I am astounded that things seem to be going so well. Ptui - don't want to wish a kainainhora.
Just pretty darned happy all around.
I need to start exercising again, because I have a new professional challenge coming.
Just finished shooting my scenes in one movie, have another movie, hopefully this month or March.
Have appointments to meet with some ex-students this week, which will be fun.
Just pretty darned happy all around.
I need to start exercising again, because I have a new professional challenge coming.
Just finished shooting my scenes in one movie, have another movie, hopefully this month or March.
Have appointments to meet with some ex-students this week, which will be fun.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Asking why, re: NCLB & literature emphasis
When I was in California, teaching fourth grade, I remember having to teach the children how to write a literature review, in case the state should happen to test that assignment in that particular year. Of course teaching to the test was the only instruction that was acceptable under their interpretation of No Child Left Behind.
I thought, how many times have I actually had to deal with literary elements in my past?
I think that I needed to know the literary elements for when I took acting classes, for understanding characterization, and dramatic intent. That was a couple times in the early 1970s. Certainly I never needed to write a literary review. I think that such is the realm of literature classes in the English department.
I believe that the next time I dealt with literary elements was in a Screenwriting class I took while I was in film school in Michigan. Understanding the literary elements and being able to communicate about them in screenplays, which we were either writing or analyzing, was extremely helpful.
Then I considered, how often would your average college student have to deal with the literary elements? I figured that I was about average. English majors would be on the high side. Engineers would be on the low side, and coming from a family of engineers, I believe the need to understand the literary elements is not highly valued, though I am sure there are exceptions.
So then I ask, why the hell are we wasting time teaching the 9 year olds how to write a literary review, using literary elements? Am I the only person asking if this is a valid standard?
When they need to know, they will figure it out.
There is another installment coming about teaching reading using only fiction for instruction.
I thought, how many times have I actually had to deal with literary elements in my past?
I think that I needed to know the literary elements for when I took acting classes, for understanding characterization, and dramatic intent. That was a couple times in the early 1970s. Certainly I never needed to write a literary review. I think that such is the realm of literature classes in the English department.
I believe that the next time I dealt with literary elements was in a Screenwriting class I took while I was in film school in Michigan. Understanding the literary elements and being able to communicate about them in screenplays, which we were either writing or analyzing, was extremely helpful.
Then I considered, how often would your average college student have to deal with the literary elements? I figured that I was about average. English majors would be on the high side. Engineers would be on the low side, and coming from a family of engineers, I believe the need to understand the literary elements is not highly valued, though I am sure there are exceptions.
So then I ask, why the hell are we wasting time teaching the 9 year olds how to write a literary review, using literary elements? Am I the only person asking if this is a valid standard?
When they need to know, they will figure it out.
There is another installment coming about teaching reading using only fiction for instruction.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Post-Malaise
Up through December I had a bout of malaise.
I have been watching a series on PBS: "This Emotional Life" with Dan Gilbert. If you have read earlier posts, you can tell that I am a fan of Dan the man.
I am looking at it with new eyes. One very salient point he makes is that our lives, our happiness is in the hands of others, meaning that we derive a lot of our happiness from our interrelationships with others. However it is my personal responsibility to reach out to the ones I know and love, and therein lies the irony.
As you can see from the last three postings, I have just recently reconnected with some very wonderful people, my former students.
Referring also back to my second posting, I had closed myself off. I suspect that being closed off is my default position. I need to become more vigilant not to slip back into that, though it does seem a habit of mine.
In the third of the series in "This Emotional Life" Dan Gilbert talks about altruism. I think that those who eschew being altruistic are impoverishing their own lives, by denying themselves the joy that comes from compassion. I will be sure to watch tonight: http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/
I have been watching a series on PBS: "This Emotional Life" with Dan Gilbert. If you have read earlier posts, you can tell that I am a fan of Dan the man.
I am looking at it with new eyes. One very salient point he makes is that our lives, our happiness is in the hands of others, meaning that we derive a lot of our happiness from our interrelationships with others. However it is my personal responsibility to reach out to the ones I know and love, and therein lies the irony.
As you can see from the last three postings, I have just recently reconnected with some very wonderful people, my former students.
Referring also back to my second posting, I had closed myself off. I suspect that being closed off is my default position. I need to become more vigilant not to slip back into that, though it does seem a habit of mine.
In the third of the series in "This Emotional Life" Dan Gilbert talks about altruism. I think that those who eschew being altruistic are impoverishing their own lives, by denying themselves the joy that comes from compassion. I will be sure to watch tonight: http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Caught off guard
When Tonya Moseley of KING5 News asked me what made the class of 1990-91 special in my mind, I just spaced. Appearing as a blathering idiot in front of the camera is not a good thing. I am sure that if video had a cutting room floor, that part would be down there.
What made them special, is what most all of my students had that made them special. They were honest of spirit, they wanted to learn and to grow, they were basically good human beings who just wanted to love and be loved.
I know that most teachers have these rules that a teacher should never befriend their students. But then, I was never very good at following rules.
I always thought the humans learn better when they are in a harmonious environment.
I don't know if I told this class this, but there are students to whom I have said, that when you grow up, I would like us to be friends.
Now that I am on Facebook, I am discovering how true that is becoming.
It is cause for celebration.
What made them special, is what most all of my students had that made them special. They were honest of spirit, they wanted to learn and to grow, they were basically good human beings who just wanted to love and be loved.
I know that most teachers have these rules that a teacher should never befriend their students. But then, I was never very good at following rules.
I always thought the humans learn better when they are in a harmonious environment.
I don't know if I told this class this, but there are students to whom I have said, that when you grow up, I would like us to be friends.
Now that I am on Facebook, I am discovering how true that is becoming.
It is cause for celebration.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Field Trip Pics from My 1990-91 Class
Travis on the big toy:
Me pointing the way on the Oregon Trail:
Various class members enjoying the pool at the campground in Vantage:
Young ladies drying themselves at the waterslides in Kennewick:
These are pics from when we took the long distance field trip to eastern Washington.
Me pointing the way on the Oregon Trail:
Various class members enjoying the pool at the campground in Vantage:
Young ladies drying themselves at the waterslides in Kennewick:
These are pics from when we took the long distance field trip to eastern Washington.
My Kids' Reunion, New Year's Day 2010
Back row, left to right:
Colin Waterton, Travis Krick, Katherine Klein, David Hart, Lorne Sleipness, Stephen Moshay, Jenna Reiselman.
Middle Row:
Dean Neshem, Marit Bockelie, Amy King, Bryan Moritz, Brian Clay, Andrea Wells, Chris Ehlers, Katie Wiggins.
Front Row:
Dan Gomez, Melissa Reuter, Andrew Laberge (goes by Drew now), David Thompson (DT), Rosalyn Pham.
The adults are principal Cameron on the left, and Mr. (Richard) Lewis on the right.
I am so pleased and proud of my students from my 1990-91 class. They put together this reunion; special thanks go to Stephen Moshay and David Thompson.
It is such a wonderful and indescribable joy to get to see them again.
I have put in a video of this to show what happened.
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