Hypercritical

I have become more and more aware lately that I have been very critical in my life. I have been too critical of myself. I have been too critical of others.

I have analyzed some of the causes of this. A big part of it was being raised with constant criticism. Most everything I did was considered wrong by my family, even when I had not done anything wrong. At that time, a part of me rejected that judgment. Then I guess after a while I just gradually flowed right into that mindset and accepted their judgments of me. I was critical of myself, unmercifully so. I was always critical of others, also unmercifully. I had come to believe that folks were going to hurt me, which is is a distortion of reality by hyperbole.

The net effect is that I tried vainly to function successfully with a distorted take on reality. This hypercritical attitude pushed many out of my life. I was frequently alone and lonely. Thus I was creating conditions of dysphoria in my life. It is sad, when I think of it, that I worked so hard to impoverish my own view of the world.

In the past couple months, I have started looking at life through a different lens. It's looking better. I AM happier. I feel more connected to wonderful people in my life.

I am wondering if this is the beginning of the resolution to my midlife crisis, which started just after I turned forty? And for a long, long time, things were pretty doggoned miserable.

My general outlook is more positive, I am able to perceive positive things in my life and act upon them, and that is gratifying. It sure is lending a greater feeling of contentment, which has been missing for a long time in my life.

Perhaps my midlife crisis was my refusal to make a paradigm shift when I should have, or maybe I made a paradigm shift that was not adaptive when I was forty. Well, I am shifting my paradigm now, and that is what counts.

Now all I need to do is to sort out my health issues. LOL

It's a new dawn, it's a new month, it's a new life

I am astounded that things seem to be going so well. Ptui - don't want to wish a kainainhora.

Just pretty darned happy all around.

I need to start exercising again, because I have a new professional challenge coming.

Just finished shooting my scenes in one movie, have another movie, hopefully this month or March.

Have appointments to meet with some ex-students this week, which will be fun.