Letting Go

From the 12 steps, I am learning many new lessons, among which right now is letting go.

Preliminarily, I will say what letting go is to me, and what letting go is not.

Letting go is a step toward healing.

Letting go is not weakness, except in the sense that as in irony, where it is in weakness where one finds true strength.

I am discovering that wrestling tenaciously with a situation simply keeps me in a static position. I have found it is impossible to gain a different perspective if I am stuck in one place. My misery is simply prolonged, and the situation cannot change, because I am holding on so tightly. And I have found that holding stubbornly to a particular position is futile, if the situation cannot change. It is only in paradigm change that a solution can be found.

Letting go gives me the freedom to change and grow. Letting go is my strength.

I have discovered a whole new world. It exists in my heart. I am creating it. It possesses joy, hope, and love.

I tell myself that I am sorry for denying myself the chance to be free.

I forgive myself.

Bye, Heidi.

This is a pic of my beloved Heidi. Though you might not recognize it, she was a Bearded Collie (think Tim Allen in "The Shaggy Dog"). It was summer, and she got shaved every year to keep her cooler.

I remember when my first partner and I were looking for a dog. We went to the King County Animal Shelter, and I didn't see anything that I wanted there. We went to the Seattle City Animal Shelter, and I didn't see anything there that I wanted either. Then we went to the Seattle-King County Humane Society Shelter in Bellevue.

Now understand that there are dogs of all kinds jumping up and barking loudly in all these shelters. But I came upon one little girl who was sitting in the middle of her enclosure. She had these sad eyes that pleaded, "Please get me out of here. I don't like the noise."

I replied to her out loud, "I know how you feel." Turning to my partner, I said, "That's my dog."

She came home that afternoon, and she had been mine until she needed to be put down, on April 15, for old age: kidney problems and arthritis. I mean, when she can't stand up to eat or poop anymore, then she is suffering.

Bye-bye, baby-dog. I miss you.

Out of the Darkness

Wow, that was a pretty dark entry I put in last.

I have come around to discovering some things:

1] Industry leads to happiness

2] I can be happy when I live life fully

3] Life and love are around the corner

1 - I worked on the house most of the month of March and all of the month of April. Now, understand, I have always detested working on the house or yard. As I kept persisting, working on the house, I discovered that I enjoyed the work, and that the work made me feel more alive and happy, as well as improved my physical condition. I actually like working on the house. Ironically, I am discovering that Arbeit Macht Frei, i.e., Work Makes You Free, but in a different way than in the Third Reich. If it is work that I choose, and I do it with good quality, then I become freer. I like making that happen.

Talk about major paradigm shift!

2 - I had closed myself off. My life had walls that were closing in. I let my life happen that way. I have learned that I have control over what I do, and that the doing can bring me joy.

3 - I have analyzed my past behavior when in relationships, and I believe that I am a codependent to sex addicts. I have been learning about codependency, and what I have let my life become. I am learning to set and maintain proper boundaries. I am learning that others are not my responsibility to control. I am learning to take better care of myself, emotionally and physically.

It has been hot here in the Pacific Northwest (not the Pacific Northwet today), and I have just put in the AC in my room. I have decided that I can tolerate one isolated day of heat, but we are in for a string this week, and the AC needs to go in.

C'est suffit pour maintenant.

A Constricting World

Here I am, at a crossroad. The choice is as Hamlet's, to be, or not to be.

I have come to discover that when the world seems to expand, and grow, the desire to live, love, and learn grow with it.

As I age my world is continuing to contract, to constrict. The opportunities to love, live, and learn seem to become more and more diminished. The pain becomes more and more extensive, and my joy becomes so much more decreased. Friends whom I knew are gone. Loves I have known have vanished. My career has become meaningless, and has fled me.

I figure that I have but one option: to see if I can successfully expand my world again. Without that, the futility of this life will lead me to succumb.

First Post

Lessee. Hm.

I am a retired elementary school teacher. I don't like what is going on with "school reform" measures instituted lately. I detest "No Child Left Behind." More about that later.

I am a landlord. Had some good experiences with tenants, but lately bad experiences with deadbeats.

I am a caregiver for my aging parents. They and I have a really good relationship now, even though my childhood was fraught with lots of pain. In short I have overcome it.

In the future, I will post about my views on life, art, love, and other stuff.

It's late, and I am gonna crash.