OMG, It's been such a long, long time since I posted. Since I am pretty sure that hardly anyone ever reads this, so then I guess that I can just ramble.
I have been attending 12 step meetings for my codependence. I am working on my fourth step, which is to list a moral inventory. Step 4, Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. I.e., what I have done that dysfunctional.
This has been a tortuous and torturous process. It seems that it has taken forever. I have documented all that I have done dysfunctionally and much of the abuse that has been done to me. The latter is important, as it indicates my dysfunctional responses to the abuse done to me. I am not sure as to when I will be "done" with step 4, however.
I see that I have lived most of my life in despair, and I am learning that by meditation and centering my mind, I can begin to reprogram myself out of this despair.
It is refreshing.
Jon and I have been together almost two years now, and we have decided to become married in August. After some difficult trials together that we have faced successfully, I am confident that making this step is the right one. I am doing my utmost not to become a bridezilla though. Fortunately from my 12 step meeting, I have some wonderful friends who are very supportive in planning all of this.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Assimilation & Accommodation
I am a dyed in the wool Piagetian constructivist. For those of you who do not possess a background in cognitive developmental psychology, I am saying that a human learns by building structure for knowledge, and then putting individual pieces of learning into that structure. Piaget, a ground-breaking cognitive developmental psychologist, defined building the structure as accommodation. Learning that puts pieces of knowledge into the structure is assimilation.
From my professional experience, I have discovered that learning by accommodation is far more powerful learning than assimilation. Accommodation is life changing, and therefore life expanding. Assimilation is more like adding bits and pieces of knowledge and therefore like adding trivia. Accommodation also requires readjusting everything you know to learn something new.
In the past I have discovered that there are those who fear learning by accommodation. I suspect that since accommodation makes the learner change who s/he is, that it induces fear of change into them.
So those who are fear-ridden are reluctant to change, and resist learning that shifts her/his paradigm.
I believe that I had been one who feared changing his paradigm. Thus I was stuck in an uncomfortable place, and desiring a change, but not necessarily willing to actually change.
More details later.
From my professional experience, I have discovered that learning by accommodation is far more powerful learning than assimilation. Accommodation is life changing, and therefore life expanding. Assimilation is more like adding bits and pieces of knowledge and therefore like adding trivia. Accommodation also requires readjusting everything you know to learn something new.
In the past I have discovered that there are those who fear learning by accommodation. I suspect that since accommodation makes the learner change who s/he is, that it induces fear of change into them.
So those who are fear-ridden are reluctant to change, and resist learning that shifts her/his paradigm.
I believe that I had been one who feared changing his paradigm. Thus I was stuck in an uncomfortable place, and desiring a change, but not necessarily willing to actually change.
More details later.
Friday, September 23, 2011
FOO Fighter
FOO = Family Of Origin
My childhood was a very confusing one.
In my first four years, it seemed that everyone loved me; I was a welcome and adorable addition to the family, contributing an upbeat joyfulness that everyone, including friends and family, seemed to love.
I was two months shy of my fifth birthday when I began my school career. My first year of Kindergarten went well, as well as first grade.
Then second grade began. A couple pivotal things happened in the second grade. The first was that I was not memorizing my addition and subtraction facts. I really had no understanding why that was important to do, so I just blew it off. The second was that I was no longer considered desirable in my Family Of Origin (hereafter referred to as FOO), as was concluded by my paternalistic grandfather, who also dictated that it will be necessary to beat me to rid me of my undesirableness.
My first beating took place because of the addition and subtraction facts, where my father sat me in a chair in front of him and then barked the fact at me, reading it from a flash card. If I were not able to bring the correct answer up from memory in a second, then he compelled me to stand up, thereto lashing his belt across my buttocks repeatedly. He repeated the whipping as he continued a couple more times through the deck of flash cards. How is that for pedagogy?
Thereafter, if I were kept at school to work on my schoolwork that I'd not finished during the school day, my father would beat me whenever he got home from work. Without inquiring, he assumed that if I were kept after school, then I would have been in trouble, which was not the case in these situations. In essence I was beaten and punished for trying to learn at school.
Only in the past couple years have I become aware of what the medical consequences of the beatings were.
During the second grade I began to gain an immense amount of weight. Though I was husky of build before that, I was not grossly overweight. I am thinking that the explanation was that in lieu of love, there was always the satiating fullness of eating.
In the next school year, I then developed what was called then neurodermatitis. That is a fancy term that means I was scratching my hands and forearms in effort to calm an insatiable unending itch that lay deep within my skin, so that my skin would erupt in sores and bleed. Later that year I began having repeated instances of giant hives, where my lips would swell up to enormous size, and my eyelids would swell shut.
Though this is not necessarily medical, my grades plummeted after he started and continued to beat me. When he stopped emotionally and/or physically abused me, my grades strangely went up.
In all these symptoms, my father didn't realize (probably didn't want to know) that all of these started when he started beating me, and they continued as long as he kept on beating me.
This is the first installment of what I have to say about my FOO, as there will be more to say in the future.
Right now, I am emotionally exhausted and I just can't write any more for the time being. Later.
My childhood was a very confusing one.
In my first four years, it seemed that everyone loved me; I was a welcome and adorable addition to the family, contributing an upbeat joyfulness that everyone, including friends and family, seemed to love.
I was two months shy of my fifth birthday when I began my school career. My first year of Kindergarten went well, as well as first grade.
Then second grade began. A couple pivotal things happened in the second grade. The first was that I was not memorizing my addition and subtraction facts. I really had no understanding why that was important to do, so I just blew it off. The second was that I was no longer considered desirable in my Family Of Origin (hereafter referred to as FOO), as was concluded by my paternalistic grandfather, who also dictated that it will be necessary to beat me to rid me of my undesirableness.
My first beating took place because of the addition and subtraction facts, where my father sat me in a chair in front of him and then barked the fact at me, reading it from a flash card. If I were not able to bring the correct answer up from memory in a second, then he compelled me to stand up, thereto lashing his belt across my buttocks repeatedly. He repeated the whipping as he continued a couple more times through the deck of flash cards. How is that for pedagogy?
Thereafter, if I were kept at school to work on my schoolwork that I'd not finished during the school day, my father would beat me whenever he got home from work. Without inquiring, he assumed that if I were kept after school, then I would have been in trouble, which was not the case in these situations. In essence I was beaten and punished for trying to learn at school.
Only in the past couple years have I become aware of what the medical consequences of the beatings were.
During the second grade I began to gain an immense amount of weight. Though I was husky of build before that, I was not grossly overweight. I am thinking that the explanation was that in lieu of love, there was always the satiating fullness of eating.
In the next school year, I then developed what was called then neurodermatitis. That is a fancy term that means I was scratching my hands and forearms in effort to calm an insatiable unending itch that lay deep within my skin, so that my skin would erupt in sores and bleed. Later that year I began having repeated instances of giant hives, where my lips would swell up to enormous size, and my eyelids would swell shut.
Though this is not necessarily medical, my grades plummeted after he started and continued to beat me. When he stopped emotionally and/or physically abused me, my grades strangely went up.
In all these symptoms, my father didn't realize (probably didn't want to know) that all of these started when he started beating me, and they continued as long as he kept on beating me.
This is the first installment of what I have to say about my FOO, as there will be more to say in the future.
Right now, I am emotionally exhausted and I just can't write any more for the time being. Later.
Monday, August 1, 2011
More from Brene Brown
More wisdom from Brene Brown.
May my heart come to know as much as my head.
I need to change my paradigm from one of scarcity to one of abundance. The universe does provide for me. I need to have faith in that truth.
You might have better luck viewing this from the website:
http://sciencestage.com/v/41483/tedxkc-bren-brown-the-price-of-invulnerability.html
May my heart come to know as much as my head.
I need to change my paradigm from one of scarcity to one of abundance. The universe does provide for me. I need to have faith in that truth.
You might have better luck viewing this from the website:
http://sciencestage.com/v/41483/tedxkc-bren-brown-the-price-of-invulnerability.html
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Mortality
In the past two months I have been faced the passing of two of my relatives, first my father and then his sister, Nancy. I won't deny that these occasions have made a profound emotional impact upon me.
My immediate observations are yet raw and unprocessed.
One observation was that there appears to be a lot of grace directed at the deceased. Though they may have done some very profound malefaction in their lives, those surrounding them at the end have been willing to forgive them their sins. It's like granting them the final absolution as they pass into eternity. Peace is created by those who survive.
My second observation is that the passing of a loved one can bring about either the absolute best or worst in those who remain. My sister and her dastardly offspring have gone from treating me discourteously for the past three years to pretending that I do not exist in the time subsequent to my father's passing. In their perception I am the ultimate persona non grata.
For Aunt Nancy's upcoming funeral on Saturday I will be singing Schubert's Ave Maria. I haven't sung in ages, so I will need to practice a lot. Friday morning's task is to vocalize and go over the music.
My immediate observations are yet raw and unprocessed.
One observation was that there appears to be a lot of grace directed at the deceased. Though they may have done some very profound malefaction in their lives, those surrounding them at the end have been willing to forgive them their sins. It's like granting them the final absolution as they pass into eternity. Peace is created by those who survive.
My second observation is that the passing of a loved one can bring about either the absolute best or worst in those who remain. My sister and her dastardly offspring have gone from treating me discourteously for the past three years to pretending that I do not exist in the time subsequent to my father's passing. In their perception I am the ultimate persona non grata.
For Aunt Nancy's upcoming funeral on Saturday I will be singing Schubert's Ave Maria. I haven't sung in ages, so I will need to practice a lot. Friday morning's task is to vocalize and go over the music.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Heartbeats
Well, it's been a month and a half since I last posted.
A few weeks ago, I watched my father pass into eternity. What made an impression on me was how his heart beat on until the last beat. I could see the carotid artery showing his pulse, and I was the one that noticed that he was beating his last heartbeat.
I am fortunate that I was able to resolve many issues with my father while I stood in as their evening and weekend caregiver for the past three years. Both he and I were at peace with each other when he died.
Personally, returning to heartbeats, I have had angina lately again. I fell off the dietary wagon in the past couple months, and I need to get back on it again.
I was with my sig other, Jon, last weekend. He did give me a bit of a scare, when he had thoracic pains. I took him to the ER and it turned out to be something else. He is very dear to me, so I want to keep him around as long as I can.
I have successfully moved to Puyallup a month ago. I am adjusting to what is available here. Except for the train horns, I actually am quite content where I am living now.
I have taken to riding the Foothills Trail at various locations from Puyallup to South Prairie. The scenery is lovely, many parts passing next to various rivers in the Puyallup River basin. And when the sky clears, there is a commanding view of Mount Rainier.
A few weeks ago, I watched my father pass into eternity. What made an impression on me was how his heart beat on until the last beat. I could see the carotid artery showing his pulse, and I was the one that noticed that he was beating his last heartbeat.
I am fortunate that I was able to resolve many issues with my father while I stood in as their evening and weekend caregiver for the past three years. Both he and I were at peace with each other when he died.
Personally, returning to heartbeats, I have had angina lately again. I fell off the dietary wagon in the past couple months, and I need to get back on it again.
I was with my sig other, Jon, last weekend. He did give me a bit of a scare, when he had thoracic pains. I took him to the ER and it turned out to be something else. He is very dear to me, so I want to keep him around as long as I can.
I have successfully moved to Puyallup a month ago. I am adjusting to what is available here. Except for the train horns, I actually am quite content where I am living now.
I have taken to riding the Foothills Trail at various locations from Puyallup to South Prairie. The scenery is lovely, many parts passing next to various rivers in the Puyallup River basin. And when the sky clears, there is a commanding view of Mount Rainier.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Whole Heartedness
In the past there were many times that I was tempted to close my heart, because of the pain I had endured. I had the temptation to become hard and hateful.
But deep inside there was always a still small voice that always wanted me to become more full and loving. For a long time, I at least pointed myself in the right direction, even though I don't know how much progress I was making at the time.
I love this talk by Brené Brown, and I have always greatly appreciated what she had to say from her research. It is important to be vulnerable so that I can be loved and connected to others, instead of afraid and ashamed. It is important to believe in my personal worthiness so that I will have a sense of love and belonging. She describes these qualities as "whole hearted". She speaks of this whole heartedness as courage, from the classic definition that courage is a person speaking the truth from his heart.
In my own life, it had been so tempting to close down my heart, to choose to be invulnerable, alone and frightened. I am so glad that I ultimately chose the path to becoming more loving and vulnerable.
At the conclusion, she leaves us with these points:
-let ourselves be seen, i.e., deeply and vulnerably seen
-love with our whole hearts
-practice gratitude and lean into joy
-believe we are enough
But deep inside there was always a still small voice that always wanted me to become more full and loving. For a long time, I at least pointed myself in the right direction, even though I don't know how much progress I was making at the time.
I love this talk by Brené Brown, and I have always greatly appreciated what she had to say from her research. It is important to be vulnerable so that I can be loved and connected to others, instead of afraid and ashamed. It is important to believe in my personal worthiness so that I will have a sense of love and belonging. She describes these qualities as "whole hearted". She speaks of this whole heartedness as courage, from the classic definition that courage is a person speaking the truth from his heart.
In my own life, it had been so tempting to close down my heart, to choose to be invulnerable, alone and frightened. I am so glad that I ultimately chose the path to becoming more loving and vulnerable.
At the conclusion, she leaves us with these points:
-let ourselves be seen, i.e., deeply and vulnerably seen
-love with our whole hearts
-practice gratitude and lean into joy
-believe we are enough
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